EXPERIENCE SHARES

The experience I had in the meditation following Shaktipat is the best meditation I have ever had in all the years of my meditation practice. It was so wonderful! I feel completely free, peaceful and very happy. I saw Bhagawan Nityananda in a seated posture appear before me. He glided toward me in this posture and when He got very close to me He began to multiply until His form filled all the space I could see. This was the best meditation I have ever had. I was with Bhagawan in a sea of Him!

The way I have been taught meditation was very rigid and in a stiff posture. After asking Kedarji for instruction for my meditation, my experience of meditation was changed. I did just as he said and my meditations have since been profound. In one meditation, I became aware that I was looking at a woman’s face and then, I realized I was looking at Shiva. Then we came out of meditation and during chanting, I looked over at Kedar. I saw him seated in his chair and his face had transformed into Baba Nityananda’s face. I rubbed my eyes and looked again. Baba Nityananda’s face remained Kedarji’s face for a while. I am very happy to have received Kedarji’s instruction. It changed the quality and depth of my meditation.

I had beautiful experiences in meditation. In one meditation, I saw myself floating. There were dragonflies flying all around me and I was one of them. Then I saw the image of Kedarji’s face as if on a rolling screen before me. I merged with Kedarji and then saw Bhagawan Nityananda’s face emerging. Bhagawan’s eyes were yellow and looking right at me. I felt surprised to see Bhagawan and also very honored. When this feeling came over me, Bhagawan Nityananda turned into an enormous Buddha seated in a lotus. I was a very tiny being sitting at His feet. I felt tears and bliss of happiness. Even now, I feel unbelievable happiness.

I realized in this intensive that Grace is taking care of me in every moment, every second, like being carried in a giant hand. Even those times even I perceived myself to be desolate, to be in the most painful circumstances of turmoil, I know now that all of those times were Grace. They all lead me here. I realized that the Guru is the teaching. I’ve learned that the world has impermanence. That by design, you are meant to turn away from the world at some point when you realize that what you are looking for cannot be found in the world but can only be found within. It is the mind that sees, not the eyes. In this whole life, and in other lives, I have had a very ugly mind and therefore saw ugly. I superimposed an ugliness that does not exist in pure consciousness. I do not have to experience ugly if I do not want. This unfolding awareness creates a space where I see that I can live in the moment by actually being in the moment; in this space is pure love, complete joy and serene peace without notions of any kind. These experiences make me more devoted, and make me want to be more devoted in order to nurture and expand on this unfolding awareness and practice more to expand of the experience of the space of God.

During this intensive, I have had very intense bodily movements. These kriyas shake my whole body. During one of the meditations, after a kriya, I had this experience of someone holding me up very high. And there I was, in Bhagawan Nityananda’s Mahasamadhi shrine. I recognized it immediately because I have been there. I was so happy to be back there. Then someone was holding me and began to raise me higher to ring the bells at the temple. I was ringing the bells feeling so very happy when I realized it was Babaji Nityananda holding me and raising me higher.

During Nityananda Arati, the flame blew out on the tray I was waving during puja. I was sure that everyone saw, but no one saw it so I’m certain that He did it just for me. I just learned about Bhagawan Nityananda recently and would like to share two things. Yesterday after receiving Shaktipat I felt as if there was an adjustment to my head and shoulders. So I meditated on the strange sensation in that area. Then suddenly, there was Bhagawan Nityananda sitting here instead of me. My head and shoulder were in that position because that is in the position that He holds it. I meditated on Him as me and a bright light appeared. I drew near it and there was Bhagawan. Now the words I am using to describe may fall short of pictorial but it is the best I can to do to describe with words something that is beyond words. The spirit in the light was Bhagawan and He was there. I am more sure of this than of anything I have been sure of in my whole life. To put it into words might be to say that it is like a pure form-thought without any content.

I was being tested this weekend. One doesn’t always know that they are being tested until a time afterward, especially when one is failing the test. And I was failing miserably. I had looked at Bhagawan Nityananda’s picture and he looked upset, like he was disappointed with me. I knew that this hurt feeling was my own projection and his photo was that reflection. I told him that I just need some time and asked him to please just give me a little time. Then Kedar’ delivered his talk and the teachings and examples in his talk were absolutely perfect. I received so much from Kedarji’s talk. It was absolutely perfect in tone, content and humor and gave me exactly what I needed for what I was going through and that’s when everything turned around. I looked back at Bhagawan’s picture and there was a bright light around him and I experienced him as if he were in my own body.

This was my first intensive and this is all very new to me. I did have many realizations about myself in these two days. I was given so much knowledge and I am still processing it. This has been wonderful and amazing. I kept seeing Bhagawan Nityananda and the face of the Master, Kedar in my meditations. The Master also appeared to me in orange robes. I am in awe, amazed.

The last meditation was the most powerful for me. My hands flowed between two mudras. I folded in half, which I cannot do in yoga but there I was sitting cross-legged with my body folded over my legs and my face touching the floor. As this happens I feel the energy I received flowing through my body. When I sat up my hand extended in front of me in an upward cupping. I became aware that I was collecting Grace. Then, near the end of the meditation, I lifted my hands and poured the Grace over my head. I saw myself seated in what looked to be a scoop and as I sat in it, I found myself sitting on a lotus. My breathing accelerated and I felt fire. My lungs were like bellows and the faster my breathing the higher the flames. I became aware that I was burning some karmas with family and other relationships. Then I looked up and saw trees. The trees became mantras. Up the trunk I read Om Namah Shivaya and across the branches I read So’ Ham. So I kept repeating Om Namah Shivaya So’ Ham over and over again. As I chanted, the trees transformed into Kedarji and Bhagawan Nityananda. Suddenly, so many Saints surrounded me. I was receiving their Blessings. I didn’t want to leave from there.

Over the last week leading up to the Intensive, I have seen just how unworthy I feel all the time. It is to an extreme. This last week I have gotten physically violent with myself over and over again. I kept telling myself that I am worthless and disrespected myself with bad behavior. In this Intensive, I was able to see just how much I blame myself for every little thing and how unworthy this makes me feel. Even when circumstances don’t have anything to do with me, I tell myself that it’s my fault. I kept seeing this pattern repeating. In this Intensive I realized that I am not being true to the highest nature of myself, the Shakti, when I engage in this worthless feeling. What I am actually doing is disrespecting the Shakti and further, there is no need to feel worthless. I thank Guruji for this.

My personal relationship with Baba Muktananda was the focus during this Intensive weekend. For 25 years I was with Baba. That’s a long time. This intensive, for the first time, I recognized I was very, very attached to Him and resented His departure. In the first Shaktipat, I went back 25 years to my first experience of Baba giving me Shaktipat. I felt the same as I did then, confused and sad. Suddenly, I felt this Grace and Baba was here! He took me little by little until we arrived at His Samadhi Shrine in Ganeshpuri. I have never been there, but I recognized it as exactly the same from all of the pictures I have seen. Right there I did a big pranam before Baba. Finally now, this attachment can turn to be creative instead of destructive. I feel Baba’s absence but I have seen Him. I know He is okay and I can let Him go. This is a huge step in my sadhana. I have actually come to accept that my Baba has left. It is wonderful because now I can be open to Kedar, to Grace. I would not accept the Kedarji before because of the longing for my Baba. Now, through my Shaktipat experiences, I understand them both to be the same. There is pure love, just love. This is wonderful, I am so happy.

During the miracle intensive in honor of Bhagawan Nityananda, I had the best experience in the whole entire world. In this Intensive I felt and saw Bhagawan Nityananda. At first I saw a huge pair of golden feet. They were enormous and below me, facing me, as if standing right before me. Then I saw a being move to the left side of me and I realized it was Bhagawan Nityananda and that these feet were His. When he moved there, I felt myself split in two. Slowly from one side, I was changing. All the dirt that I felt on the right side was moving into Bhagawan’s light to my left. Slowly I was changing from the right side of me to the left side. I could see that my hand on the right side was Bhagawan’s hand and then, so was that whole side of me. He continued to come over me in this way until he washed over my whole body. Then I fell into meditation. Now, I feel better than if I had spent one month at a spa doing nothing but getting massaged and relaxing. I feel wonderful.

During one of the chanting rounds I decided not to close my eyes. Instead, I watched Kedar chant and I chanted to Him. While chanting to Kedarji, I watched Him turn into Baba Muktananda. I sat in awe chanting to Muktananda Baba’s form and observed as this form switched spontaneously back and forth between Kedar and Muktananda Baba. I felt so grateful to have such a rich experience, the experience of having some understanding of the immense power that Kedarji has, being identical with the power of Muktananda Baba. I understood in the moment of my experience that when a person transcends the limitations of this world plane and merges with God to become a Liberated Sage, such a person is no longer an ordinary being with limited understanding, instead the ordinary being becomes the extraordinary, harnessed power of God. As I embraced this understanding, blue and gold bindis shot out of Kedar in shape-shifting form and into my being. I felt a rush of love and a wave of peace. I thanked God for this gift and, as I did, a lightning-bright steam of energy, similar in appearance to a lightning bolt, entered my being. With that, I entered an indescribable stillness and I did not want for anything but to be absorbed in that stillness for all of eternity.

After receiving Shaktipat from Kedar, I had an amazing experience. First, Sai Baba appeared to me. Then I saw Bhagawan Nityananda’s face in a shimmering blue hue. The left side of His face became more pronounced until I was completely focused on His left eye. Then I slipped into a deep meditation and I transcended the void and entered witness consciousness. Here I experienced myself expand to become the vastness of the Universe, feeling completely free and full of Bliss. I experienced a state of all-knowing, yet without language. I was aware that my body was in meditation because I felt it lying in a rejuvenating pool; yet, I experienced complete awareness of being the energy of observance and not merely the form engaged in meditation. In this state there were no words, ideas, thoughts, notions or imagination. This state was one without any limitation or intellectual comprehension, just awareness. From here I moved back into what I believe are the lower tattvas and experienced a vision where I saw an enormous golden Shiva dancing. Around Him were little Shiva Rudras, maybe a hundred of them circling Him as they snapped their fingers. Then a golden-threaded sandal appeared before me and dropped into my being. After this, I saw , in succession, Bhagawan Nityananda, Baba Muktananda and Kedar, before the gong was struck to bring us out of meditation.

This whole Miracle Intensive I had so many experiences. It is hard to choose just one. Overall, I felt Bhagawan Nityananda’s presence very intensely. During all the practices, at every moment in this Intensive I felt his presence. And, during one of the Supreme Yoga sessions when we were instructed to contemplate a void, I experienced the entire Universe inside my being. It was right here in my chest. I saw it, felt it and experienced it as myself. It was incredible.

During this Miracle Intensive the theme for me has been exactly what Kedarji has been talking about, full faith and full surrender. I realized that I do not have full faith and full devotion because I do not feel worthy. I feel as like why would God ever want to choose me? God is for other people, not me. Why would God ever want me? Since, I feel so unworthy I lack faith. I am learning to see this pattern and to remind myself that I am God, that this pattern does not make any sense. I will be letting go of this feeling. All the practices this weekend have pointed back to this same pattern. I’m happy that Kedarji posed questions around faith and surrender for me to see this.

I was skeptical after Kedar touched me for a mere fraction of a moment. I wondered if I had received Shaktipat. My mind raced with many notions and questions before surrendering with gratitude and trust that whatever experience I am here to have is absolutely perfect for me. In that moment, I saw the image of Bhagawan Nityananda and Kedar flash before me. My head swelled with such intensity of pressure that I felt as if my head was in a vice and about to burst. Suddenly and swiftly I felt a piercing at the crown and all of the Shakti in my head rising and dispersing into the chakras above my head. I saw a very bright platinum gold light and I fell into meditation.

My mind was jumping around and I could not easily steady it. I remembered the Kedarji’s words to take hold of the mantra Om Bhagawan Nityananda Bhagawan. By the end of one repetition I felt very warm and fell into a meditative state where that mantra dissolved into Hamsa mantra. I felt complete serenity. I then saw a pair of golden hands, the left one wearing a gold band. These hands were holding golden reins. The background was very bright and a pale gold in color. This is the last I remember before the bell rang bringing us out of meditation.

I have this tendency toward self hatred. I feel separate from Shiva, from Bhagawan, from Kedarji. I feel separate and different from God. I feel unworthy. When we were learning about installing the Guru principle in our hearts, I felt like why should God want to come into my heart? I don’t deserve that. He (God) would not want to come live in my heart. I found myself crying so much in this particular Intensive that my shirt was all wet. It was because each time I felt like this, I invited God into my heart. I prayed to Bhagawan to please come into my heart, I was really begging and pleading. Each time I did, I felt my heart open more and the tears of this release, as my heart opened. I have been praying to Bhagawan and meditating on his picture and I have wondered why this has done nothing. But, all along I have felt separate and different from him. I did not believe in him because I did not feel worthy. Over this weekend, I have seen a lot of this pattern of tearing myself apart. I criticize myself for every little thing. I am beginning to recognize this karma and see it as it is unfolding and I am reacting. During this weekend, I have started to realize that all of this is a process and I am making progress.

I had taken a 1-day intensive with Kedar. I then decided to take the course. I feel I got so much from the course that I know will change my practical experience of day-to-day living. The principles taught on the 5-Fold Act of Divine Consciousness I am already finding to be very powerful and useful. I also had another Shaktipat experience in the course. I saw a blue light rise up in me and then I saw a gold light emanating from inside me. I then felt what I can only describe as a wind blowing from inside me. It cooled me down. I also saw a huge blue halo around Kedar’s head and then white light flowing down his shoulders and arms. I also saw Bhagawan Nityananda during one of the dharanas we did.